No Eating of Uncovered Edibles

That makes about as much sense as anything in life, doesn’t it? My family and I found that gem on a poster in the children’s museum section of the Deutsches Museum in Munich. My kids and I often share laughs at life’s little absurdities, of which there is never a shortage. This is one of the many favorites. Judging by the picture (attached), it means that one should be careful not to eat fly-ridden food at a picnic. Good advice! And the new title to my most recent series.

So speaking of my kids, they are teenagers now, and sooner than I can blink I will be an empty nester. That thought fills me with dread. Not because I am nothing without my kids. Let’s face it, although at times they suck your personality out of you until you think of everything but yourself, when you live with two teenagers, occasionally the thought of them flying the coop can actually put a smile on your face. Of course I love my kids. But what I am most concerned about is what I will do when I no longer have to cook, clean and chauffer people around. When my days aren’t filled with juggling schedules, doctor appointments and swim meets.

I do have a job, actually. I am an adjunct at a local community college. It is part time. It will probably never be full time – although if my boss is reading this feel free to offer!!! Recently the internet and radio have been full of feel good stories on job growth. Ooh, job creation has grown – Ahh, more people back to work.

I personally am not believing what I am reading. What about you?  Which jobs are growing? I think in this game show, the prize goes to part time and temporary work. [insert optimistic voice here] “You have just won a step up from poverty! Collect $200 on the way out – and don’t come back.” There is no way the media and the government is manipulating the good news is there? They wouldn’t do that to us…

So just so no one can say I’m a complainer with no solutions, I have decided to make up some jobs that I think would make sense for those of us who have been out of the workforce for so long that we have a panic attack every time we think about trying to go back.

Before I get started, a message to all the trolls out there: please hunker back down in your caves where humor goes to die.

The first installment of what will be a weekly series, if I am as inspired next week as I think I am this week, is a job description I like to call Delegation of Moms to Oversee Congress, or DOMOC-racy (oh come on critics, lighten up. Have some fun with it.)

So these moms, ideally, are mothers of high schoolers or older children. Not to exclude those moms of younger kids, it’s just that I know you are busy running around right now.  The idea is to set up shop in Washington D.C. to force organization on a very dysfunctional group of people – ladies, you do this often at home, am I right?

We’ve all had – or heard – that idea of making the people in Congress take the health care we have and seeing how quickly they reform it, right? Well why not take that a step further? Sometimes it seems like with every single issue they need to address they bicker like two-year olds (or teenagers, take your pick).

Debate: Now, while sometimes it is good to step back and let the kids argue it out themselves, there come those moments when a mom knows the situation will not resolve itself. America, we have stepped back long enough. It’s time to grab Congress by the ear and give them an ultimatum: clean your room now or no dessert for you.

Procrastination:  It is excruciating to watch as Congress drags its feet deciding things. Aren’t they paid to give us results? Don’t we send them our e-mailed complaints only to receive a form letter referring to a completely different issue? Make a decision for goodness sake, or no allowance.  Compromise is key in family – and in society.

Blimps and brothels: Our budget – your kid wants to buy the latest silly trend? They’d better make a pretty good case for it. Down to your last five dollars this week? Maybe a crap load of candy bars isn’t the best way to spend that money at the moment. Shouldn’t the government think the same way? Funding research on ketchup viscosity? On a football field sized blimp? Say what? (Hey, maybe they’d be willing to pay us out of work moms to tell them a few things about ketchup)

Now, the question is, how to fund DOMOC-racy? I mean the idea is to turn it into a full time job with benefits for many people, right? Sadly, I have no idea. Hey, if I did, don’t you think I’d already be in D.C? You would have heard of the crazy lady and her cronies getting RESULTS. Ha ha. But ladies (or guys), surely if Congress can pay itself there is an answer out there.

Tune in next week for the latest round of brilliant job ideas.